Red Hatted Bandit
by Samurai101
Summary: It all started with Duo going to mass. Not that that's normally a problem, but.....


**A/N: First note, while this can be understood by itself, it is inspired by Miranda Crystal-Bearer's Gundam Wing story _Family_, where the five Gundam boys all live together in one two bedroom apartment. I highly suggest you go read that when you're done here!**

**'Ware the random humor! Run away! This is written in the style of Painless Art of Interrogation and SH! Don't Wake the Sanzo. You have been warned.**

**

* * *

**

Quatre began his narration with: "It all started when Duo went to mass." Duo had pointed out earlier that the police man questioning them also went to mass at the same church Duo did. Quatre quickly added. "Not that that's normally a problem, but..."

Duo had a feeling of impending doom. For once he did not think Quatre's people skills would be able to get them out of this. He listened to his blond friend babble, and began his own mental account of the night's events.

* * *

It _had_ all started with Duo going to mass, which he did regularly. Mass, he said, was calming, and if he sat in the back row no one got onto him for falling asleep. In any case, Duo went to mass, as usual, and was a little late coming home. No one was alarmed until Duo burst through the door with a harried look on his face and extremely out of breath.

Quatre was the first to jump up and ask what was wrong. Duo closed the door with a shaking hand and took a deep breath.

"I," he began, "was mugged."

There was an instant of silence so profound Duo felt insulted. It was the sort of silence that proceeded a prompt for a punch line. No one prompted, and Duo did not give a punch line. He shoved his hands into his pocket, and looked at the other Gundam pilots with an almost sullen expression.

"By _what?_" Wu Fei asked in disgust.

Duo now looked like he wished he had kept his mouth shut. He turned a little red and looked at his shoes before mumbling something to them. Heero looked up over his book, and even Heero's cat was staring at Duo.

"You were mugged by a _what?_" Quatre asked, having half-heard the mumbling. Duo mumbled again.

"A wading pool?" Trowa guessed.

"An old invader?" Heero hazarded with a raised eyebrow.

"An ug waden?" Wu Fei's nose scrunched as he realized he was not speaking a comprehensible language.

"An old lady!" Duo shouted. There was a silence again, but this one was very offensive in its nature. Duo felt his face heating up.

"She had a gun!" Duo shouted again, and shoved his hands further into his pockets.

"An old woman _mugged_ you?" Wu Fei said, enunciating every word very carefully.

"Yes!" Duo's voice cracked. "What was I supposed to do? Knock her over?"

Heero's "yes" was drowned out by Quatre's "NO!"

"How old is 'old'?" Heero asked with the barest trace of a smirk.

"Eighty," Duo muttered.

"An _eighty-year-old_ woman mugged _you_?" Wu Fei asked in an incredulous tone and with an equally incredulous expression.

"Okay, she was more like _ninety_," Duo almost wailed. "She had a _gun_!"

Trowa was trying not to smile, and he was failing miserably. "You let a ninety-year-old woman with _one_ gun mug you?"

"It was a _big_ gun," Duo almost growled. Heero's cat looked at him with large solemn eyes and yawned. Duo glared at it. He now wished he had just kept his big, stupid, loud, stupid mouth shut. He had never heard the end of this from _anyone_. There would now be constant jokes that Duo needed to be walked home and snickered warnings to look out for those old ladies. Even Quatre's stupid monkey would probably mock him.

Heero muttered something that sounded very close to 'wimp'.

"Hey! With where she was aiming I wasn't about to take any chances!" Duo's voice rose and fell as only a fifteen year-old boy's could. "Maybe _I_ actually _want_ to have kids one day!" That received an almost polite silence.

Almost.

Heero cleared his throat. "So, what did you lose?"

"My wallet, duh," Duo rolled his eyes, glad for the chance to ridicule someone else. "Didn't have much in it 'sides my ID and the money from my last job."

Heero looked at Wu Fei, his eyebrows going up. Wu Fei frowned and looked at Trowa. Trowa nodded and looked to the bookcase. Everyone else looked to the bookcase.

"Duo, your wallet's right there," Trowa said.

Duo picked up the black wallet on the bookcase and grinned. "Oh, well, that's a relief."

There was a pause as everyone saw Duo's wallet in his hand and came to the same conclusion.

"Wait, _whose_ wallet got stolen, then?" Quatre asked with an uneasy grin.

In a flash the four boys jumped to their feet and dashed off. Wu Fei retrieved his wallet from his coat pocket. Trowa retrieved his wallet from the silverware drawer. Heero had no wallet and had simply jumped on top of the couch with his cat held over his head to keep from being trampled. Quatre came out of his room five minutes later and grabbed Duo's collar.

"You let an old lady steal my wallet!" Quatre yelled.

"Hurgeck," Duo replied.

"That had all the cards I need to access the Winner funds. You just let some ninety-year-old lady with _one _gun steal a _fortune_!" Quatre gave Duo a shake.

Duo said: "Agiherga." It was probably an apology.

"Agh! We have to find it!" Quatre began pulling Duo towards the door, and Duo staggered after him.

"I mean, how many old ladies can their be in Sicily?" Quatre began to babble, and he dropped Duo's collar to grab his coat from the coat closet. Duo gave a dramatic gasp and started swearing as Heero's sniper rifle(wrapped in a cheery shower curtain covered in pastel fish) fell out of the coat closet and onto his foot.

Qautre grabbed Duo and dragged him, still swearing, out the door with a: "Ah! Why didn't you just knock her down, Duo?"

* * *

Duo watched the very unconvinced policeman and sighed. The good thing was Heero could probably hack the Winner's network and change all the passwords. The better thing was, if they were lucky, Wu Fei would come get them out of jail tomorrow after they were locked up for stalking and disturbing at least thirty old women with large handbags and red hats. The _best_ thing was Duo still had his wallet.


End file.
